Saturday, March 27, 2010

Bikini: the other bad word

the first time i wore a two-piece bathing suit was right after my highschool graduation.

i'm not even sure you could really classify it as a two-piece.  the bottom half was boy shorts and the top half was like a tank top (this was before someone coined the term:  tankini).  they met in the middle so that really not much skin showed at all.  in fact, it was probably more modest than most one-pieces.  it was bright blue with a snake skin pattern, and i was so proud of that bathing suit. 

FINALLY, i didn't have to wear a boring, old and motherly looking, embarrasing one piece.  i bought it with my own money, and packed it in my bag going with me to the beach for our senoir class trip.  i could not wait to wear that bathing suit.  for me, that was more exciting than turning 18 and being able to vote...or getting my driver's license (which i also did not do until i was 18). 

emphasis on BIG DEAL here.

my whole life, i'd gone to schools, and camps, and pools in friends back yards with a mandate stating THOU SHALT NOT WEAR A TWO-PIECE BATHING SUIT!  i mean, if you were caught wearing one of THOSE at some of these places, you would immediately be sent home to change while everyone else discussed the earth-shattering effects of your bad judgement and the seriousness of your relationship with Christ...and possibly held an emergency prayer meeting pleading with God to forgive your Sinful Swimwear Selection (and yet somehow i ended up in an organization in college with the same mandate about the B-word.  did that stop me from wearing mine a little further down the beach from everyone else?  no it did not.).

back to my story.  i'm pretty sure i dreamed about wearing my brand new BIKINI (which wasn't even close to the real thing) several nights in a row before actually leaving for the beach trip.  when we finally rolled up to the beach house we were staying at and got everything settled, what do you think i did?  if your answer is that i immediately put on my two-piece and proudly strolled down the walkway to the beach where i sat my two-piece clad self on my towel in the sand triumphantly, you would be correct.  did the earth spin off of its axis for a split second? 


nothing happened...except that a tiny portion of my lilly white belly just may have peeked out and said hello to the sun for the first time in it's life.  followed by an earthquake off the coast of California.  and now i'm living in a halfway house and eating at soup kitchens.


oh glorious day!  i wasn't asking for much.  just a chance to decide for myself what kind of swimwear i'd be sporting all summer long.  and wouldn't you know it?  that very night i met a boy and talked to him.  i give all the credit to my two-piece.  everyone knows wearing two-pieces leads to other "no-no's" like talking to boys...and EATING ICECREAM WITH THEM.  gasp!  i think there was even a go-cart involved.

needless to say, it was a harmlessly fun trip (even though one classmate made a point to drive herself to my house a few days after the trip and tell me what she thought of my two-piece and that i should fall on my face before the Lord and repent.  ok, yes, i'm exaggerating a bit here, but to her, that bathing suit meant i was heading down the path of destruction) and i was pretty pleased with myself for daring to try new things, ie bathing suits and talking to boys (is that a correct use of ie?  i'm not even sure i really know what that means.).  and, in case you're wondering, i do not fault my parents for my previous lack of swimwear selection.  did they want their daughter to look classy and not trashy?  of course, but even my dad the pastor and my mom the (not really one good title to insert here...what would you call yourself, mom?) "minister/counselor to women in need"  didn't ground me for life when i started wearing two-pieces.  in fact, i'm almost positve they purchased my next one, which was BRIGHT ORANGE.  not a good look with blindingly white skin....sigh.

and now?  well, as soon i post this i'm off to purchase Lorelei her very first bikini with a buttload of ruffles on the bottom!!  actually, i don't care how many pieces there are to her swimsuit.  i just want something completely adorable with the previously mentioned buttload of ruffles.  this is the only time it is ok for a swimsuit to make your butt look bigger, and all those ruffles will most certainly do the trick!

and just to set my old classmate's mind at ease:  i have turned from my wicked ways.  this summer i will be in a one-piece.  you can stop praying for me.

until next summer...or until you discover that i tune in and enjoy watching The Ellen Show.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

stick that on your bumper!

It never fails.

Every time i get in the car and go somewhere, there's always a minivan (ok, it's not always a minivan, but 9 times out of 10 IT'S A MINIVAN) boldly displaying a bumper sticker broadcasting to the world how proud the driver of that minivan is of their child's brainpower.

For example: "Proud Parent of a Little River Elementary School Honor Role Student," "Proud Parent of an Accelerated Reader, " "Proud Parent of Albert Einstein."

Ok, so i haven't actually seen that last one, but the bumper sticker may as well say it. I mean, your kid gets a few "A"s on their report card, and BAM! Look out bumper, you're about to get stuck!!

Not that i'm downing being smart and making good grades. That's wonderful. I sincerely hope my daughter grows up to be an Honor Roll Student, Accelerated Reader, and all that other good stuff parents hope their kids will do. If she makes some "B"s, no problem. "B" does not stand for "bad grade." If she comes home with a "C" on her report card, well, i'll probably be a little disappointed, but it's not like her mother never made a "C" on her report card. A little subject called Math that turned into a more complicated subject called Algebra and went on to become an impossible subject called Physics was not my best friend.

But, i have NO PLANS to EVER slap a bumper sticker on my Swagger Wagon that loudly proclaims the brainpower of my child. Just not my thing.

HOWEVER....let's say the kid comes home from school one day with a note from the Principal saying something like:

Ms. Losier,
It has come to our attention that your daughter, a 5th grader at Such N Such Elementary School, is responsible for the food fight that disrupted our normally event-free lunch hour. As a result she will be serving a Double Detention in which she must scrub the bathroom floor baseboards with nothing but a toothbrush. Thank you for understanding.
Principal So N So

First of all, no child of mine will ever be made to scrub any public bathroom baseboards as a form of punishment. If that's an issue, we'll promptly find a new school.

Second things second, since i've had my own fair share of Double Detentions (mostly for dress code violations or standing up on the bus or, let's say, being "disrespectful" to the Principal's grandson who was my substitute Spanish Teacher and all of two years older than me...normal things you would expect to receive a Double Detention for), how upset can i really be at my own child receiving a Double Detention??

Thirdly, HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BUMPER STICKER BE??? Smack dab in the center of the ol' Swagger Wagon, this is what it would say:

"Proud Parent of the Kid Who Started the Food Fight at Such N Such Elementary School"

Your kid may be a brainiac, but MY KID throws a hamburger like Drew Brees throws a football.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Who are you again?

So a little time has passed since my last blog. Just a little. A smidgen. You probably didn't even notice i was missing. I stepped out, and then i got distracted, and then i found a rabbit trail and decided to hop down it. One thing led to another, and before i knew what was happening, my short vacation turned into a really long holiday. But there was room service, and turn-down service, and a sauna, and chocolates on my pillow, and i mean, come on....can you blame me??? there was chocolate. ON MY PILLOW. Waiting for me to eat it. And nap. i am. Back to reality, and back to my blog :)

Honestly, i have no clue where to begin. So much has happened.

I met someone.
We got married.
We got pregnant.
He found a new job.
I lost my job.
We had a wedding.
We had our baby.
I found a new job.
We moved 5 zillion times (slight exaggeration).

That's putting the long story reealllllly short (like having hair down to your butt, and then going for a buzz-cut). All of these things deserve their own spot in this blog. Something i plan on getting to...when that rabbit trail quits calling my name.

That being said, you can quit holding your breath. I have, indeed, decided to start writing again.